1. The number of words of Wisdom I have heard indirectly from my (deceased) father: many. I have discovered these as stories, from anecdotes, in group settings, through the personal accounts of others, or seen modelled through his life.
Consequences: He has my deep admiration. 2. The number of words of Wisdom and advice that my father spoke directly to me, one-on-one: None of import that I can remember. Consequences: without his authoritative voice my life was filled with (necessary?) deviant diversions bringing both pain and pleasure to him and me, so that I might find for myself that wisdom and understanding (as perhaps he had to too?). 3. The number of words of Wisdom that God the Father has given to me: Many. I don't mean audibly; but by my experiences I can say “undeniably”. Consequences: These words have initiated fundamental course corrections at times when I really needed them. They opened my eyes to new understanding, and once rationally examined they have become deeply embedded in who I am, and stayed with me for the rest of my life. It would be nice if my experiences of God the Father had been matched by those of the man my father, and there is a legitimate sadness and regret that they do not. Yet I had no right to expect perfection of the man my father. Like me, he is merely a flawed human being seeking to live as best he understood on a backdrop of his own successes and failures. The fact that others benefited directly from his wisdom is something to be appreciated and not objected to, and does not change my admiration. Lessons that are obvious and understood, yet oft forgotten: Lesson 1: I should not project the experience of the man my father onto my expectations of God the Father. There is no rational foundation for doing so. Lesson 2: Understand that the man my father lived with the prejudices and cultural parameters of his own upbringing, a context that is now two generations removed from my own. Realize (once again) that this applies to all I relate to who are from a prior generation or of a different culture. Lesson 3: Contemplate that my own children build a life on childhood experiences quite unlike my own, and so beware projecting my lens of life unquestioningly onto their perspective. Try not to be held captive to the conditioning of my past. Lesson 4: Truth transcends generational differences. The application of attitudes derived from relative experiences is a quicksand of complications. Identifying and building on Truth is a foundation unconstrained by historical differences, and relevance is found in the context of the application. Conclusion: My challenge is to know how to separate Truth from experience, and then to incorporate each as is appropriate to my relationships. It is clear that Truth may be found in my experience, but that experience does not define Truth. Truth is applicable in all circumstances, standing independent of opinion or preference. Experiences bring a measure of stability to our relationships when we share patterns of practice, but if treated as Truth they will become a fetter that binds one into a box. So I'll passionately make those memories that create differences; I'll build new traditions, hold some old ones, and discard the useless; I'll seek and find what's True.
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(In the end this post really is about Christmas … )
You may be a Nobel prize winner, you may be a dunce. Or like some I know, you could be paranoid schizophrenic, have varying degrees of Asperger syndrome, or live with a brain chemistry malfunction. Or you could be normal like me (what ever that is), with your own fair share of paranoia, prejudice and perceptual distortion. The truth is that to be normal is to be damaged; some of our features shine through, others are suppressed. The only difference between people is the degree of damage, which in our pride we use to exert power over others. What we like to call normal are really those people who are not too different to ourselves. For example, I presume members of ISIS think they are normal, yet from my perspective I think ISIS is to Islam what the KKK is to Christianity (to paraphrase Sam Seaborne). The issue is, what is my metric? By what measure do I evaluate normal, for normal can only be defined by a reference, and sadly we tend to accept the majority's definition. So if the majority are prejudiced about race then we get Apartheid; about same-sex relationships and we get homophobia; about mental or physical disabilities and we get second class citizens; about age we get ageism, and by gender we get sexism. Yet no one asks “how are we defining the reference?” For example, Marco Rubio, in an interview as candidate for the USA presidency talked of being “"the leader of the free world and the most important political figure in the greatest and most powerful nation on earth" – (http://tinyurl.com/pfqq86r). As a non-USA citizen I find this a deeply disturbing and offensive. The measure he uses is the irrational philosophy of “American Exceptionalism”. Yet, by using a different measure, say “the good Samaritan”, then many democratic socialist governments are doing a far, far better job in leading the “free world”. Self-definition of one's metric is arrogance, carries zero moral authority, and exposes one's pride. Take another example; a mentally disturbed person. I know someone who is paranoid schizophrenic; he sees the world through a drug induced lens. My Asperger acquaintances see a narrow world that obscures the nuances the rest of us “normal” people take for granted. And in turn our own “normality” works against our empathy to try to see things as others do. One might argue our normality is a disability. Yet consider this: none of us would dream of denying gravity. Because gravity pervades our lives; its not a matter of opinion, or of normality, and gravity isn't going to change to suit our opinion. 1. And so my first Christmas point (there will be three): It doesn't matter where you start from, gravity pulls us whatever and whoever and wherever and whenever you are, whether we like it or not. As one wise man said, everything is a fog, it's hard to see the next step let alone how the path winds ahead. Yet in the fog gravity still pulls us, and a compass still points true. That same man also said there's nothing new under the sun (was he prescient about blogs?). So why do we say all these things, why repeat what has been said again and again? Because we get twisted and misinterpret when it seems that the simple explanation is too simple to be true. All the while there's only one true gravity and only one true explanation. You can dispute it, make up new explanations for it, but you cannot deny its pull. 2. So to my second Christmas point. The world is seemingly scared to call this pull what it is; that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having a spiritual experience (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin). Instead we make up rubbish. Nice sounding phrases that placate our emotions into thinking we understand life. Here's one I came across in my twitter feed: send sun shine Worship who it is you are and find peace with the person you choose to become (http://tinyurl.com/hbz6ylr) Worship who it is you are? Self-worship as a way to finding peace? Worship my imperfections? No thanks; this is like trying to make ones own gravity. Good luck with that! I recognize who I am, I know I'm not worship worthy, and it would be stupidity to worship who I am. I certainly have worth, but the totality of who I am is not worshipful. This nice sounding nonsense was recently studied under the delightful title of “On the reception and detection of pseudo-profound bullshit” - basically describing that embarrassing syndrome where people think nonsense of nice sounding babble is really deep (http://tinyurl.com/pnw5lz9 http://tinyurl.com/gpop9ao) In short, my second point is this: no matter what our state, no matter how severe our relative inadequacies, we are all undeniably subject to the same inescapable pull. We shy away from calling it what it is, because to do so is to admit we're the lesser, and are subject to another that is more powerful. 3. Finally my third point: The Christ-Christmas is history's fulcrum around which everyone's past and future is balanced. It's not about a beginning (as so many sermons like to make it), its about directions; what led to this, and where is it headed. To be strategic in life means looking back to see where I've come from, and looking forward to where I'm headed. All of history before Christ points to him. All future goes forward from him. Christ-mass celebrates this centre on which my life is balanced. And so on this day, perhaps more than any other day, I am reminded that my life, both past and future, is inescapably and continually pulled by the gravity of Christ. I don't want pseudo-profound bullshit. Truth is simple, as simple and deep as a baby. Christmas requires courage. (What movies would you take Jesus to this holiday?)
One of my favourite movies is "Un divan à New York", otherwise known as "A couch in New York" (see my comment under "Why" in the sidebar - and here is the imdb link). The movie has one of my favourite actresses, Juliette Binoche as the true heroine who brings solution to confusion. To be fair, my daughter can't see any value to this movie, but I love it's quirkiness and off beat approach. The characters reflect a mix of personalities; some with mental health issues, others who are simply societally challenged. There's a reason why I think this makes a good Christmas movie: for many people Christmas is a time of relational stress, and through the season they survive by morphing putty-like faces through a range of (what they think are) appropriate responses - from holding a fixed smile to a stoic frown and everything in-between. In the movie Juliette Binoche's character is a free-spirited woman who challenges the full spectrum of these façades. She does this with three qualities that give her the unique ability to rise above the stresses and strains inevitably encountered in all RomCom movies, as is the case in daily life, and especially so at Christmas. In order of priority: 1. Listening. In the movie this goes as "Uhuh, hmmm" (You need to see the movie to understand the comedy of this). Listening goes beyond detecting noise, and is really about encouraging others to talk in order to comprehend the thoughts behind the words. This takes (a) time, (b) a willingness to quiet one's own mind, and (c) being able to resist the temptation to interject with (inevitably) a premature response rooted in preconceived notions and prejudice. Today's fast talking world has largely lost the art of listening. Watch Juliette Binoche and see listening in action. Then try it on your family. 2. Feeling. Let me ask a question: How often does someone else's talking actually move your emotions? In this i-life of i-pads and i-phone and i-everything we have all (to some degree or other) developed a numbness to what we see and hear, and so our journey through life goes largely unmoved by the trials of others. In some ways it's understandable since there is so much hurt around us. Yet that doesn't excuse our numbness to other peoples issues. We like to think our issues are paramount: they're not. Re-learning the art of compassion (and I don't mean Disney-movie feel-good Bambi tears) is something we could all benefit from this Christmas. 3. Expressing. I'm hesitant to include this in the "Three ways to survive Christmas" in case I am misunderstood. Too often when we say "express yourself" that's taken to mean talking. But more often than not, do you realize what you're doing? You're engaging in a power relationship, seeking advantage, playing the game of "I'm ok, I'm at least as good as you, maybe even a little better than you". And of course when everyone is doing the same thing, we all end up as casualties in a war for advantage (yet paradoxically, it is the one who talks least and listens most who has the actual power). When I say expressing, I really mean giving expression to what's inside you - those things you're normally too scared to show. Bottling stuff inside only causes it to ferment and ultimately explode. Its messy when people explode. Valuable expression relieves the pressure and is hugely helpful: it helps bound our imagination by reality; limits our irrational fears; shares burdens and halves the load; enhances mutual understanding; and gives perspective. Such expression does not even have to be verbal - in fact often its best to be non-verbal. You can write it, draw it, make it, dance it. But however you do do it, do it. Listen with thinking, feel with compassion, express those twisted thoughts of internal contradiction and cast them out into a world of actuality where we can see, respond, and relate. A couch in New York; medication for family relations. And I think Jesus would enjoy it. The Christmas vacation is a spiritually infused downtime from work. Its a time when family strife peaks and it precedes the month with the highest number of divorce proceedings being initiated ... mostly because we've been forced to spend more time than we'd like with each other, especially family. So it is a good time to step back and remember the big picture, and I can think of few resources better than CS Lewis to gain a perspective, and the CS Lewis Doodles are an amazing entry point! There are quite a number of these doodles, and below are a sample. I heartily commend the first below as a great place to begin. All can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw-kYN6wWXWDyp_lB0wnlxw I wonder if you've ever done it? Waded for ages?
There's a place I like to go where you can walk in water up to your shins - for kilometres at a time. The water is not flowing; it's not stagnant, simply calm. When you start out its delightful, fun, interesting, and you get to see and feel unusual things. But it's also slow going; the water drags at you and makes you tired - we are not designed to be waders. The water forces you to adopt a peculiar gait not suited to any body as you quickly learn there is only one way to sensibly move. On dry land you can with ease choose to shamble, shuffle, jump, run and stride. But when wading all you can do is push one leg against the resistance, and then drag the other foot forwards, and repeat. If you go too fast it gets messy. If you exert yourself to leap and bound and make a big splash, well that's fun for a while, but quickly ends up with everyone nearby getting wet and cold. Even simply walking, if you get too close to others you will most likely make their clothes damp from all the splashes you make, and in turn get wet yourself. Sometimes you stand on things unseen that uncomfortably go squish between your toes. But mostly its a steady and constrained push with the legs, dragging one foot after the next. I'm tired of wading. It seems that for the last few years all I've been doing is wading in church. Pushing one foot ahead, dragging the other forwards, calling out to each other in stylized chit-chat about how nice everything is. Slowly moving through still and unchanging water that lies placidly stretched to the horizon. I feel tired and splashed with sticky, salty spray. So long as I choose to settle for the sedate, so long as I don't try and run, and so as long as we don't get too close to each other, then everything is calm and relaxed (if that's what you like) as we wade our separated paths toward nowhere in particular, slowly. I want to get out of this pool and onto the hard sand. There are a lot of people over there who seem very interesting, and their conversations are full of lively debates about big things that matter. They run and bump and jump and sometimes fall, but soon pick themselves up, brush off the sand, and start again. I want to join them as they dash ahead, pausing occasionally to breath deeply and renew their strength, and then start again. Theirs is not a tiredness of never-ending wading, but a breathlessness of running races. Some waders nearby say to me "But the dry sand is hard and the pace is fast. We like your company, so stay with us and enjoy the familiar comfort of warm water." I wonder if I need to get onto dry land before I drown. |
Why?
Probably the best therapy is to express yourself. Why do you think psychiatrists make you lie on the couch and talk, while all they do is murmur "hmmm", "uhuh", or "go on"? Archives
May 2017
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