I stared into an owls eye once, and glimpsed finity: the owl was simply being an owl while I was preoccupied with chasing that epic photo that would amaze everyone. I saw my reflection and realized the owl had the better of it. The owl simply was, and I was trying to be something I was not. It's only when I feel stupid that I know where I need to grow.
In this world of "I" we constantly battle the fact that "each is big with a pride grown of its smallness, hardened by its own insularity, and embittered by eternal danger" - we move through each day shielding ourselves from the danger of knowing finity. Infinity we're ok with, because we're too small to truly comprehend it and so are comfortable in our ignorance. But our finiteness: now that is all too easy to comprehend (if we would allow ourselves to contemplate it). So we lie to ourselves because we fear to be ourselves. This last week I was front and center before 250 people over three days, and the most disturbing thing was seeing how people interacted with me based on their perceptions of my supposed importance. I would say some things as offhand remarks, and then hear my phrases repeated in other conversations, as if what I had said was important when in reality I was thoughtlessly giving exposure to a freewheeling mind. In my professional world I can (if I choose to) be known by various appellations of achievement (as measured by my peers) ... titles, descriptors of job positions and past accomplishments, all claims to authority. While these can be useful to get around the egos of others, or open doors to opportunities, doing so leaves me deeply uncomfortable because I am in fact trading on perceptions. As a Christian, perceptions of and by people are no less an issue. Thus my current sabbatical from being an active member of a church is helping me to re-evaluate my unexamined perceptions. My sense of finiteness is growing. The current age of Christianity does not encourage this. Instead it emphasizes the infinite potential of Christian faith (which is correct) but at the expense of remembering personal finity. Church today seems to be all about creating a zone of spiritual comfort, an encouragement to be more than I am, and contains little about spiritual inadequacy. Yet its only when I comprehend my size that I can understand infinity, it's only when I give myself freedom to fail that I can learn what it means to proceed. I suspect that one reason we live in time is that we are incapable of living outside time. We need time to fail, to learn our finity. Yet the post-modern and relativist world we inhabit is hell-bent on (de-)(re-)constructing our references in order to hide our finity from sight. And the church seems to have no clue as to how to respond. My faith in all things thrives on fellowship, and that is not a uniquely Christian statement. In both the secular and the spiritual, fellowship is the fuel that gives us the security and freedom to fail, and brings forward the necessary awareness of finity. And that's why loneliness is one of the greatest diseases today. In the workplace we've replaced fellowship with ambition, where our only real support is the ladder we're trying to climb. In the church its become the reverse; diluted theology proclaimed with repetitious simplicity - spiritual homeopathy at its worst. And so the divide grows ever greater between those who live with a faith-in-self versus a faith-in-God, where one community is walking off a cliff while the other hides in a cave, each unable to talk to or even really understand the other. Of course there are individual exceptions. But how do we turn it inside out, how to change perceptions of normality where supposedly "anything is possible" into the understanding of "something is actual". This is not anti-ambition, or a call to become miserable self-deprecating worms. It's a reflection that my finite capacity is optimally expended in a reality. Ideals are targets to be aimed for, ambitions are goals to be chased for, but living is a reality to be worked for. Knowledge is information in context; finity is the information, infinity the context, and that's a knowledge that defines reality; in my work place, my private space, and my Christian faith.
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Why?
Probably the best therapy is to express yourself. Why do you think psychiatrists make you lie on the couch and talk, while all they do is murmur "hmmm", "uhuh", or "go on"? Archives
May 2017
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