(self reflective ... ignore if there's nothing that resonates with you)
Who do you want to carry your coffin? It began on a long flight where the in-seat entertainment offered nothing new to watch. Sitting in the dark I began to list the names of people who come to mind when I think about those who are part of my life; a Christian academic hopeful who is getting confused in philosophy, a deeply serious Christian trapped in a modern variety of gnosticism, two (ex-)Christians who have lapsed into ambivalence, and a number of other "good" people who hover a safe distance from God. And so my list grew, but it was awhile before any of my three siblings names came up (my parents are dead). I think my sibling family is nominally dysfunctional; but then all families are to some degree. However, I've recently been reflecting on the oddities of my sibling relationships ... and my airplane musing has made me think about one in particular. We don't make much effort to visit each other. Odd, isn't it. I think we like each other – mostly – or at least we don't seem to actively dislike each other. We cross paths when circumstances dictate, and amicably share each others space when staying at the shared family vacation home, or at funerals and weddings and occasional family “business” gatherings. Of my three siblings, there is one who visits me occasionally. Another has visited me only once in 20 years, as best I can recall. The third rarely visits, seemingly never for social reasons and then only in short fly-by stops associated with a need to discuss something. For my part, I visit the one who visits me with similar (in)frequency. Of the other two, one I used to try and visit with some regularity, but then he divorced and moved out of town, and now the last decade of his life is a closed book to me. The third? Well my visits have slowly faded - I'm not sure whether its for lack of reciprocity, my own failures, or other reasons. Of course I'm part of the problem; it takes two to tango. As to the cause, that's hard to say. Should my siblings even be friends? Perhaps my way of thinking is too dissimilar and so casual conversations are awkward? There is also a bit of an age gap between myself and the three of them, and I grew up somewhat as an "only" child without their shared experiences. But then again I also have friends who are much older and younger than myself. I suspect my thoughts are reasonably similar to one sibling, but the others do appear to have somewhat differing perspectives, priorities, and life values, so that may be part of it. We also grew up in a family culture that was not very expressive, so perhaps that engendered an attitude of self-reliance, and maybe visiting each other is seen as breaking that "rule" of not expressing ourselves? I think its sad to a degree ... but maybe its just normal. We do value each other, but our natural social zones seem to have limited overlap, and so there's not a lot of gravity to pull us together except in cases of sibling concerns. I know (believe) that we would all leap to each others aid without hesitation, and certainly the tragedies in our collective lives have shown that to be mostly true. But should it be more than that? Here's a closing question: who do you want to be the pall bearers at your funeral? My list starts with my daughter and her husband, then two of my peer-group friends and one of my brothers. That's 5, and includes one sibling. For the 6th pall bearer, I can think of a dozen or more I would like to carry me, but sadly the other siblings are not inevitably on that list. Why? Should I feel guilty? Or is this simply the normal dysfunctional reality of family?
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Why?
Probably the best therapy is to express yourself. Why do you think psychiatrists make you lie on the couch and talk, while all they do is murmur "hmmm", "uhuh", or "go on"? Archives
May 2017
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