I have three friends, all male, all senior in their careers, all well skilled and experienced. I've spent time with each in the last month.
They all dislike their jobs. Each have sources of significant stress from finance and family relationships. They all have significant health issues, and all know the troublesome symptom of 4am wakefulness where the brain twists and turns in inescapable worry. Weekends are a threat, for then their only escape in business is removed, and the issues loom even more stark and real. They feel trapped. They don't like themselves. I have been in that place, and I empathize, deeply. All are Christians. All seek prayer. All hear endless platitudes from those around them. “God will provide” “Trust in Him” “He will never leave you nor forsake you” “Do not worry” “There is a peace that passes all understanding” These are all equally true and equally useless as a starting point. These are theological truths to be arrived at, not to be launched from. When one feels incapacitated in the face of decision, where the necessary emotive energy is simply not there, when God feels distant, what help are these? And for those privileged to be let into a person's small circle of trust (for men, especially stressed men, do not easily open the doors on personal problems), what can we offer such a man beyond the platitudes of Christian jargon? 1. Well, obviously we must pray. But what do we pray? “God solve all this person's problems?” But Jesus also says that in this life you will have trouble, we should expect trouble. So, absent a clear word of direction from the Spirit, it seems that we can at best pray that God will bring forward the necessary strength, and ask for wisdom. 2. We can “be there for them”. This is hard for men who seem to be hard-wired to not depend on others. One avenue I find valuable is to try to help open the doors to conversation; for conversation that is based on listening has an amazing value in reducing stress and bringing clarity of perspective. Simply talking. I know that when I have been stressed, I have deeply valued the man who will honestly allow me to talk in trust – simply having someone who will listen (and my being brave enough to speak the reality of the situation) allows one to find a strength to continue. Hidden stress that is never expressed is a bubbling boiler that will at some point explode, destroying all in the vicinity. 3. We can avoid serving up an endless litany of Christian platitudes. There are few things more galling in the moment of stress than having someone who lives in a security of lifestyle, tell you in the midst of your stress, “Don't worry, God will provide”! Of course I know (theoretically) that God will provide, but try telling that to my emotions. And so forth. But there is no recipe. However, there is one metaphor that (for me, at least) helps bring some perspective. We are all farmers – literally or figuratively; we sow and we reap. Real agricultural farmers know all too well that there are good seasons and there are bad seasons. In fact, in many agricultural systems they conduct their business expecting a 1 in 3 failure of the crop, and plan accordingly. Their lot is to be wise, sow again, and trust the seasons will change. And so the farmer looks at the future and sows accordingly. But if the harvest fails repeatedly, if he comes to hate his job, if he's worn down to his last reserves, then his options are limited. First, he can continue as he has done, sow again and hope that the next season will bring a fruitful harvest, fatalistically saying “it is my lot to toil and sweat”. Second, he could give up his farming practice and find an alternative avenue of employment; one that with some measure of re-skilling builds on the abilities he has and the lessons he's learned. Or lastly, he can re-strategise, saying “I have experience and talent, I have passions of creative capacity, let me find new ways, new crops, new fields, where I can implement my skills in a way that brings me joy, and which serves a need. For it is in service that true joy is found. And the servant is rewarded for his services.” Now I agree, this metaphor is getting close to being a platitude in itself. But perhaps it's the skeleton of a way to start to think about the challenges in a new way. Will I try and push through this seemingly brick wall, will I change tack altogether, or will I regroup and attack from another angle? This is the question I would pose to God: “Will you give the insight to know the avenue of choice, surround me with wise elders, strengthen me with courage to take the necessary decisions that will alter my circumstances, sustain me in my immediate needs, and through this release me from my worry so I can invest myself in the challenge you place before me?” And then at the end I can die, saying “I toiled in the Lord's field, God provided, and there was a harvest.” Then, and perhaps only then, will I know that the hard truth of the seeming platitudes from those who surround me. I hope I remember to read this next time I'm stressed.
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Why?
Probably the best therapy is to express yourself. Why do you think psychiatrists make you lie on the couch and talk, while all they do is murmur "hmmm", "uhuh", or "go on"? Archives
May 2017
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